I have to return the favour
--
**Be careful what you wish for coz you just might get it all**
~~It's good to be alive!~~
~~*Gloria*~~

An adorable little girl walked into my pet shop and asked, “Excuse me, do you have any rabbits here?”

“I do,” I answered, and leaning down to her eye level I asked, “Did you want a white rabbit or would you rather have a soft, fuzzy black rabbit?”

She shrugged. “I don’t think my python really cares.”

--
**Be careful what you wish for coz you just might get it all**
~~It's good to be alive!~~
~~*Gloria*~~

There was a fire in my neighborhood, and I arrived just in time to see firefighters carry one of their men out of the burning house and lower him to a sitting position on the lawn. Visibly shaken, he took out a cigarette, lit it and sat there puffing on it to calm his nerves. "What happened to that poor guy?" I asked a bystander.

"Smoke inhalation," he replied.

--
**Be careful what you wish for coz you just might get it all**
~~It's good to be alive!~~
~~*Gloria*~~

Service in the restaurant was abysmally slow. My husband was starting to flip out, so I tried to distract him with small talk.

"You know," I said, "our friend Christi should be having her baby anytime now."

"Really?" my husband snapped. "She wasn't even pregnant when we walked in here."

--
**Be careful what you wish for coz you just might get it all**
~~It's good to be alive!~~
~~*Gloria*~~

--
~*~Pledge Mamma#42~*~
**proud to be Chris Daughtry Fan**
**VDF**

Claudia
~~~~~~

--
~*~Pledge Mamma#42~*~
**proud to be Chris Daughtry Fan**
**VDF**

Claudia
~~~~~~

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop, where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

--
**Be careful what you wish for coz you just might get it all**
~~It's good to be alive!~~
~~*Gloria*~~

--
~*~Pledge Mamma#42~*~
**proud to be Chris Daughtry Fan**
**VDF**

Claudia
~~~~~~

but thanks for keeping me smiling

--
**Be careful what you wish for coz you just might get it all**
~~It's good to be alive!~~
~~*Gloria*~~

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

--
~*~Pledge Mamma#42~*~
**proud to be Chris Daughtry Fan**
**VDF**

Claudia
~~~~~~

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing.

When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'."

The 4-year-old happily agrees.

As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios.

The surprised mother reacts quickly. "WHACK!" The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.

With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger

son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

"I don't know," the 4-year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!"

--
~*~Pledge Mamma#42~*~
**proud to be Chris Daughtry Fan**
**VDF**

Claudia
~~~~~~

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head c**ked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
OH MAMA... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution:
There is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative!

SON-OF-A-BEATCH, THAT HURT!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I messed myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S.
My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

--
Sheila

luv,
Marsh
--
Consumed

Hoppy ~

luv y'all,
Marsh
--
Consumed

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzyT9-9lUyE

Just dont read the stupid comments! People can't just enjoy the humor.
--
Was in Total Awe of Chris and Daughtry:

Pittsburgh 7/27/06~ AI Tour
Pittsburgh 3/15/07~ Diesel Club Tour
Columbus 8/1/07 ~ Ohio State Fair (Missed~~was sick)
Pittsburgh 3/15/08~ with Bon Jovi
Crawford County Fair 8/19/08

1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!

2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person
is like expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian.

Think about it.

3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we
wear, but what we are inside. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!

4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!

5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!

6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim. They said, he who never lived, cannot die!

7. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!

8. So many options for suicide: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks,but we chose Marriage, slow sure!

9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!

10. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!

11. Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi

12. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.Which makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!

--
**Be careful what you wish for coz you just might get it all**
~~It's good to be alive!~~
~~*Gloria*~~

One day there was a man and he was at the airport and he as looking through his bag for his ticket, but he couldn't find it.

So he went up to the lady behind the desk and said "I left my ticket at home so can I get another one."

The lady behind the desk said "Only if you say a sentence with Yellow,Pink and Green in it."

So he said "The phone goes green green, I pink it up and say yellow."

* * * * * *
Q. Why did the bull charge into the car ?
A. because it was red

Q. Why did the bull run off the cliff?
A. because the red car was at the bottom.

If bulls are colour blind, why do they charge at red?

--
**Be careful what you wish for coz you just might get it all**
~~It's good to be alive!~~
~~*Gloria*~~

How are a texas tornado and a tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

--
**Be careful what you wish for coz you just might get it all**
~~It's good to be alive!~~
~~*Gloria*~~

Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I called a local pizza shop for a delivery. "I'd like to order a large pepperoni, please," I said, then gave him the address of our condominium.

"We'll be there in about half an hour," the kid at the other end replied. "Your gate code is still 1238, right?"

* * * * * *
We purchased an old home in northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching, and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

* * * * *
My sister Darlene has the courage—but not always the skills—to tackle any home-repair project. For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Jesse, and I found Darlene attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.

"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained.

"Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?" Jesse suggested.

--
**Be careful what you wish for coz you just might get it all**
~~It's good to be alive!~~
~~*Gloria*~~

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. The farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts - although still silent - stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..."

luv,
Marsh
--
Consumed

--
~*~Pledge Mamma#42~*~
**proud to be Chris Daughtry Fan**
**VDF**

Claudia
~~~~~~

--
**Be careful what you wish for coz you just might get it all**
~~It's good to be alive!~~
~~*Gloria*~~

I've been hauling trash for years, so when the sign "Garbage" appeared on a trash can, I replaced it with my own note: "After 20 years On the Job, I know garbage when I see it!" I emptied the can and left. The next week, a new note appeared on the same can: "Dear Professor Trash, the garbage can is the garbage!"

* * * * * * * * * *
Following the recent mad cow disease scare in our state, one local rancher sought to allay fears by posting this sign: "All our cows have completed anger management classes."

* * * * * * * * * *
Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. "Why the new sign?" I asked.

"My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts"

--
**Be careful what you wish for coz you just might get it all**
~~It's good to be alive!~~
~~*Gloria*~~

--
Sheila