http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=82248&title=tom-...

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http://comedians.comedycentral.com/dave-attell/videos/dave-attell---smells

Need some lemons! lol

luv,
Marsh
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HAVE THE TISSUES READY FOR INVOLUNTARY CRYING!!! lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JiGjWxsiDuw

luv,
Marsh
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A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient "Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly. "All right, buddy. What's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.

"The balcony."

"OUCH!!!"

luv,
Marsh

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A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."

On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."

The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."

Tim says this ia an old joke cause he is a Produce Category Manager and that's a damn good deal, usually, you're lucky if you can find it on sale for 99 cents a pound. lol

luv,
Marsh
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luv,
Marsh
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lu,
Marsh
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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss
program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes20and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he
has lost 10 lbs. As promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen
in his life.. She is
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days,
the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better
shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. As promised. He decides to go
for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most
rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there
's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his
neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're
mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

--
Sheila

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Help, I need oxygen! lol

luv,
Marsh
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but Chris absolutely cracks me up! Gotta luv him!!!!

http://www.americanidol.com/archive/videos/?vid=187&pcs=411

luv,
Marsh
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http://barefootmeg.multiply.com/video/item/56

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Sheila

Do you ever watch "House?" If so, that reminds me of the episode where House left his thermometer with the officer who did not find it very funny! lol

luv,
Marsh
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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely, ' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

"Now that's what I call some motivation!" lol

luv,
Marsh
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http://videos.komando.com/2008/10/17/wedding-gone-wrong/

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Sheila

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mist to keep
the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of
distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is a
scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the
air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

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Sheila

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions,
when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his
test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the
telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
> >> 1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel
> >> chain and collar.
> >> 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
> >> 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number
> >> was
> >> called.
> >> 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
> >> 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit , thus causing the phone to
> >> ring.*

> >> Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and
> >> moaning.*
> >> *

> >> Thought you'd like to know*

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Sheila

Clutching their shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit, no flies, no smell.

"What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Ellen.

"Come on, Ellen, let's just go."

But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll use this tissue." She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own bag and cover it.

They continued their short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. Then it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's car would soon lose that new-car smell. They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to the cafeteria.

After they went through the serving line, they sat down at a window table. They had a view of Kay's car with the bag still on the trunk. BUT not for long!

As they ate, they noticed a woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car. She looked quickly this way and that, and then took the bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of
vision.

Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond.

"Can you imagine?" finally sputtered Ellen. "The nerve of that woman!"

Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief. Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognized the woman in the red gingham shirt with the bag hanging from her arm.

She was brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.

Helplessly they watched the scene unfold.

After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat. After a few bites, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure.

Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag. Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest.

The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.

A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived.

In a matter of minutes, the woman with the red gingham shirt emerged from the crowd, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney.

Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings.

The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance doors, the bag perched on her stomach!!

Can you image, I guess that'll teach her to take something that doesn't belong to her! lol

luv,
Marsh
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Here's UR Sign!
http://noolmusic.com/myspace_videos/bill_engvall_-_heres_your_sign_-_wit...

luv,
Marsh
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luv,
Marsh
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9wgWuZDnBo

luv,
Marsh
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But I am happy I got to have him in my life as long as I did that I cherish everyday

--
Sheila

Things that make you go hmmmmm. that was great.....

RETIRED

Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog, and was in the
checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that
I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now
enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. Target won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
the world to think of crazy things to say.

--
Sheila

The Rancher's Widow should have known better than to tell the Gay Ranch Hand to go and kick his HEELS up! He must have thought that was an open invitation! lol

By the way, have you installed any in~ground pools lately? lol

luv,
Marsh
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That was fun!

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Jenn --